Stuck in a Rut

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Dear God, hello.

Today is one in a long line of days where I’m not sure why I am here, what I’m supposed to be doing, or where I’m supposed to go. There was a time not long ago when my purpose and my path were clear. My purpose is still somewhat clear, but my path seems to have disappeared into the fog. As have my friends. I am lost, and I am alone, and that is not a combination that I love.

The last year has been a kaleidoscope of experiences. There were several stretches when I went to bed and woke up with certitude and clarity. And when I had doubts they were short-lived because You gave me answers or at least the next pertinent direction. What is happening now? How long must I wait for the next clue?

I don’t have a lot of things that I want. In fact the list is very short. A husband. Two or three healthy children. My circus. A lovely house with a big garden. Good health. Anything else that comes is a bonus. Some days, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to want these things. I’m not sure because apart from the good health, I haven’t received anything else. So maybe I’m not allowed to hope for them? I don’t know. I’ve listened to some preachers say that sometimes when we ask for things from You and we don’t get them, it’s not the right time. So when is the right time God? And what do I do in the meantime? My answer to that question used to be trying to get closer to You, know You better. But how can anyone know You? You are invisible, untouchable, unknowable. Who are You really? What are You? Where are You? Does anyone have the answers to these questions? The Christians? The Muslims? The Jews? The Hindus? The mystics? I don’t know what to want.

So God, I don’t know if Jesus is You or if You are Jesus or if You have a Holy Spirit or if You are a Holy Spirit or if You hate gay people or if it’s just the fact of their gay-ness You hate, or if all Muslims are going to hell because they don’t believe that Jesus is (a) God (though some of them do…), or if You want me to go to church every Sunday and listen to  and obey the pastor (who is almost always a man), but I do know this: You are the only One who has been with me in my darkest, loneliest moments, and in my brightest, most joyful moments. And You saved me from death. You fixed me once, when it mattered most. There is no one with me now. Except You. And You’re more powerful than anyone else anyways. So I know You’re here. I just wish I knew why that matters. And I wish I could hear You. That is, if You’re trying to tell me something. I wish I could figure You out God. Or at least, figure out what my next move is where life is concerned. Unstick me from this rut.

Yours faithfully, sincerely, and perplexedly,

Me.

 

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