I’m not sure if I will ever get married. There are days when I think it might not be too bad, but then I remember that I do not trust men so it might not be practical. I don’t know. I don’t think marriage itself is a bad idea, but I question whether it is for me. It is important to know what your calling is, so that you don’t end up in the wrong place and make yourself and everyone else miserable.
I know that in Nigeria, people think that an unmarried woman is unfortunate. Which is their cup of tea, because I’m not unfortunate. My life is rich and full. In fact, my life is so good, I’m afraid any man that comes into it would only mess things up, because that seems to be what men are good at.
While I don’t know about getting married, I definitely want to be a mother. I used to believe the contrary, but now I realize that I was coming from a place of brokenness and fear, and not reason. This doesn’t mean that the people who don’t want children are all broken and afraid – there are a variety of reasons why people don’t want to be parents. In my case specifically, my childhood of emotional isolation and neglect were still open wounds, and in my hurt and bewilderment, I simply did not see how I could provide stability for a dependent child. Now that I have finally healed, it is clear that I want to be a mother. However, I don’t actually want to birth children – I want to adopt. It’s something I’ve thought about since I was a child. I know what it is to feel unwanted, to wonder if you’re a mistake, or if you’ll ever belong anywhere. I have found my identity in God, and all those questions have been answered. Yet, a quote from Eve Ensler comes to mind: “When we give what we want most in the world, we heal the broken part inside of us”. I spent a good deal of my childhood longing for belonging. Sometimes I got snatches of it, but they never lasted long. It was certainly the thing I wanted most in the world, and the lack of it broke me. Now I have been fixed, but my healing won’t be complete until I have taken a child that no one wants, and given her not only food, clothing, and shelter, but love, and the assurance that she is wanted and important. I want her to know without a doubt that her life has meaning, and purpose, and value. Until I have done this, I do not believe that my life will be complete.