From Me to You, An Apology

 

On behalf of all the women and girls currently alive today, I would like to apologize for my sex. You see, as yet, we haven’t figured out a way to choose our genitalia and internal reproductive organs while still in our mother’s wombs, so technically it’s not our fault that we were born female. Still, I know that is not an excuse. For the congenital crime of being female, we do deserve the extensive and consistent punishment that you mete out to us, whether it be divorcing a faithful wife who failed to give birth to a son and bore only girls (really, how dare she), or sending only your male children to school, because educating girls will be a waste when their only prospect in life is finding a husband and bearing his (ideally male) children, pouring acid on a woman because she refused your advances, or even raping women to teach them a lesson (although what lesson this is exactly is yet to be explained). I get it. We women are weak, unintelligent, and unable to do any meaningful work (except raise children and take care of families, while simultaneously working as farmers, doctors, lawyers, engineers, traders, tailors, pilots, bankers, teachers, etc.). Why should we expect to be respected as human beings? The very idea is laughable.

Unfortunately, not all the members of my sex have realized the error of their existence, and instead of humbly asking for your forgiveness, they go around  making trouble. The other day some silly woman in Uganda complained that her husband brought home a second wife and asked her to leave with her two children and her third unborn. Why, she should be grateful that he even married her to begin with, and graced her with the gift of his manly presence. This stubborn woman refused to leave (the audacity!) so in order to remind her of her place, he beat her senseless. That message got through and she was out of the house quicker than you can say Museveni… but then the ingrate went and reported her husband, her lord and master, to the local council. I mean, really, women these days… fortunately, the council knows what’s what and did not bother the fine gentleman. This is an unfortunate example of what happens when women get funny ideas in their thick skulls. Of course women were fore-ordained by God to be punching bags (and sex toys and mobile baby-incubators) for the great MEN of the world. What other purpose could they possibly serve?

When we females are not making trouble for decent men just trying to enjoy their lives, we’re busy luring unsuspecting men into our dens of sin. Oh, you poor men who are utterly defenceless against our evil powers of seduction. My heart goes out to you. How could you possibly control yourselves and not rape us? I mean, the very fact that we have vaginas is clearly an invitation to carouse. And we are sly creatures we females: however much we say we don’t want it, we really mean that we do – even more so for the ones who say nothing (which is why it is understandable that two-year-old girls are not spared). I only hope that someday you find a way to protect yourself from the female trap.

I want to especially apologize for a sub-group of lunatics within the female camp who call themselves feminists. The word itself is painful to the ears. And rumour has it that they have even brainwashed some men into joining their subversive camp. Apparently these crazies want to overthrow God’s decree to womankind that she be nothing but a beast of burden to serve the needs of whichever men she finds herself at the mercy of. They go around demanding outrageous things like the right to drive a car, or the right to be paid the same as their male counterparts at work (you see, this is why women should never have been allowed to infest the workplace), or the right to not have their private parts butchered in the name of tradition. This rebel group is extremely dangerous, and has caused untold problems for the fine men of the world. They butcher unborn babies (we’d have no problem with this if they only did this to the female ones, like in China and India), burn their bras, and might one day tear a hole in the very fabric of society if they continue to subvert the order of things. I am deeply ashamed that these misled women have wreaked so much havoc on the world. I promise to do my best to thwart their evil plans and stop the spread of their toxic ideas.

I am certain that all the world’s problems will end when we females realize that we exist only because the men of the world (and God, I suppose), are benevolent enough to let us. When we humbly realize that we as a sex are flawed, and ought to spend all our days in penance for our wrongbeing by kowtowing to The Men, we will be one step closer to uncovering one of life’s greatest truths. It will be a long process, but I am sure we will get there. Until then, I apologize for myself and for others who offend just by living.

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